Living Frugally

Woman Placing Her Wash

I am an observer. As a child, if an older girl put her chapstick on a certain way, I would try to copy that (silly I know). That was a pretty simple thing, but I also would observe others, taking mental notes on how to run a home and family efficiently, and I would dream about how I wanted to run my home some day too. As an adult, I've continued this habit. Unfortunately, my flesh has won some battles, but my prayer is that it would not win the war.

In my observation, I have witnessed that people who are comfortable financially, people who are not ensnared by debt, have a secret.....they are very frugal! More frugal than many middle class or lower are willing to be.

Its ironic, how the middle class seems to be in the most debt, and also the group that think they deserve the most (again, from my observations). They deserve to have a nice house, they deserve to rest, they deserve to....and so they will do whatever it takes to have it, and most times rather than wait, they pull out the credit card, and go deeper in debt.

Amy Dacyczyn, the author of "Tightwad Gazette" says it best:

"I have been a closet amateur budget analyst for many years. People have told me about the shortage of income that leads them to their troubles. Because my opinion was not asked for I didn't point out the Froot Loops in the cupboards, the Pampers in the bathroom, and the cable TV.

"Even more responsible families on modest incomes nearly always have areas in which they could economize. They could give up red meat in favor of dried beans or whole milk in favor of mixed.

"My standing as a "professional budget analyst" enjoys a briefer history. Recently I have talked or corresponded with people in the most desperate circumstances -- those who have declared bankruptcy, received public assistance, or lived on the smallest of incomes. Without exception I was able to identify areas where they could save. The savings might not be enough to cure the financial shortfall, but rarely do they do everything possible.

"Those who were honest admitted that I was right. If it were a matter of life and death they could resort to "desperate measures" such as eating oatmeal or changing a cloth diaper. But in truth they felt comfortable living on the financial edge.

"I have not scrutinized every budget on the planet Earth, and I know rare individuals exist who live on the edge while making every frugal choice possible. However, I have not seen it.

"The majority of the desperate hesitate to make the choices that our family has done routinely for years.

"In the same way that the late guy still arrives late with the gift hour due to the return standard time [before this section of her book, she talks about how people become accustomed to an acceptable (to them) time to arrive - 20 minutes late, on time, or habitually early. She says even with daylight savings, when clocks turn back an hour, they adjust their mental clocks, and instead of being 40 minutes early (as you'd think someone would be who is habitually 20 minutes late!), they continue to be 20 minutes late....that will help understand what Amy says next], many of those living on the edge [living with only a few dollars from paycheck to paycheck] or out on the gangplank [living beyond their means, and continually taking chances by going further into debt] fail to benefit by increased income. They might have more stuff or more fun, but they instinctively maintain the same distance to the edge regardless.

"If they cannot pay a bill because "the transmission gave out," truthfully the problem is not mechanical at all. Rather the fault can be found with all the extras that they were not willing to give up in order to have the needed cushion.

"For most of us our relationship to the financial edge comes down to a matter of choice. The choice may be the decisions we make today, or we may be living with choices we have made in the past. While the past choices cannot be changed, remarkably the ones we make today become tomorrow's past choices [that last sentence is a breath of fresh air for me :) ]

We can make choices that allow us to take a giant step back from the financial edge and set up a cushion. A sustained effort to scale back will result in savings for more than just a cushion. WE can save for long-term goals and increased financial independence."

This book is going to be so helpful for us and I'm so thankful someone recommended it to me.

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Proverbs 1:5

A wise man will hear, and will increase learning;

and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels

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Proverbs 11:14

Where no counsel is, the people fall:

but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety

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Proverbs 12:15

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes:

but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.

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Proverbs 19:20

Hear counsel, and receive instruction,

that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end.

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One of the wisest bits of parenting advice I ever received was to be obedient to God if I expect my children to be obedient to me. I had such a rough year surrendering to God, as I realized, I was demanding my children be obedient to me, yet I was terribly rebellious in my own heart and not obedient to God in several areas.

As you see from the above, God is pretty clear that a wise man or woman listens to counsel. However, I bet most, if honest, would have to admit that they are pretty set in their own ways.

But what if your own ways aren't working? I can say, because of bad decisions, and honestly, laziness, on my part, our ways have not been working for us.

That is when I think it is important to be humble enough, ultimately, wise enough, to seek counsel, which is what I have been doing for some time now.

Going back to my observations (I'm kind of jumping around here today, but hopefully in the end, it will all come together!), people who are financially secure and have savings for a rainy day, do not go out to eat often. They pack lunches and snacks and going out to eat is a special treat, as it should be. We've kept our check book online for as long as we've been married. If I were to give you a glimpse into our register, you would see that we've spent many, probably thousands, of dollars on eating out. How sad! How wrong.

I've had to humbly ask forgiveness from God first, and also my husband, for I would say 98% of this was from my decision, and from my lack of planning. This has been a sobering reality for me. I hope from my admission, the Lord would help you look deep into your heart, and you too can begin this journey of making things right. Its never too late with God, thankfully!

My sister and I were talking this weekend about a show she watched featuring Suze Orman. My sister jokingly acted like someone from the audience and Suze Orman. I'll try to capture it here with words (it was very funny!)

My sister acting as an audience member: "Hi Ms. Orman, I have a question. Is it okay to get one burrito if I'm on my way home from work and really hungry?"

My sister acting as Suze Orman: "Let's have you answer your own question. What is your debt? What is your income?"

Audience member: "But I was just hungry."

Suze Orman: "You have debt and not enough income - I think you have your answer."

As funny as this is, it is so true! Its been hard for me to admit that all debt is bad, despite what most Americans believe. As long as we have debt, then every extra must be scrutinized and we need to have open hands to let go of all that we think we deserve. Here is another truth that I've had to prayerfully accept - we deserve nothing.

Today, I'm not going to go step by step into what we are doing to decrease our spending. I've been ribbed a little when it comes to where we've chosen to grocery shop. Laugh with me a little here, but in this fragile, very pregnant state, I don't think I can take more ribbing ;) In all honesty though, the decisions we're making are done together as a couple, but most importantly done with prayer. What is working for us, may not apply to you.

The most important thing I want to share is this. How willing are you (am I) to be when it comes to getting out of debt? The thing that hit my husband and I is that we are so captured up in the "American way", by working 40+ hours a week and having a mortgage, to name a few things, that we actually are slaves to these things, and cannot be freely open to have God do His work through us. Seriously, that is the reality of it.

How completely awesome it would be to have no debt, even with our home, so that we can take on a job no matter how little the income, in order to be free to do as the Lord wishes? Do you think this is even possible?

Go ahead and scoff, but my husband and I think it is VERY possible and we are completely excited about it too :)

On that note, this may be one of my last posts in a while. I am only about 2 months away from giving birth, and in that 2 months are some very busy times. I need to be frugal with my time as well, and keep working on some things around here.

Let's keep our eyes fixed on Jesus as we go about our days. I am learning that is the only way to get through this world. I've tried it on my own and I continue to struggle with taking the reigns back some days, and it plain does not work. Being completely surrendered to God, through serving others and by talking to Him as you would your best friend, is the only way. Try it, it is a wonderful thing :)

Ta ta for now :)

Jen

Children

I would gather children...

Some would gather money

Along the path of life,

Some would gather roses,

And rest from worldly strife.

But I would gather children

From among the thorns of sin,

I would seek a golden curl,

And a freckled, toothless grin.

For money cannot enter

In that land of endless day,

And roses that are gathered

Soon will wilt along the way.

But oh, the laughing children,

As I cross the sunset sea,

And the gates swing wide to heaven

I can take them in with me!

~Author Unknown~

Recently, I came across some amazing articles thanks to the blog Making Home. I have a hard time coming up with words on my own, but thanks to the many godly people who write, most times I don't have to :) The articles I will be quoting today talk about children, and they put, ever so eloquently, something I have been wrestling with in my mind ever since I became pregnant with my daughter when my son was nine months old.

Let me start quoting (and I will be bolding the things that especially spoke to me):

First is an article that appeared on Rocks In My Dryer. It was written by Jenni, a Mama of 12 children:

It is quite an honor and a bit of a worry to be speaking on behalf of large families everywhere. More than anything, my prayer is that what I say will be heard with discernment and a hefty helping of salt. I don’t want to give the impression that my opinions are some sort of collective consciousness shared by all those with a veritable tribe under their roof. That said, however, I hope at least some of it will resonate!

First, and perhaps most obviously, many people with larger families encounter negative attitudes almost daily. Snide comments from strangers, nosy questions about their private lives, or unsupportive extended family all combine to make the members of a big family feel more like a circus side-show than legitimate members of society. The announcement of a new pregnancy is very often not met with joy, but with condemnation (if you are on the receiving end of such an announcement, be the exception and offer a simple congratulations). I could compile quite a list of all the obnoxious things that have been said to those of us with a passel of young’uns, but I'd rather not go off on that tangent. You'll just have to take my word for it that for many people, there does not appear to be any sort of regulatory gizmo betwixt their brains and their mouths. Yet I persist in believing that it's really not that difficult to be kind, or at the very least, silent!

Along those same lines, it often seems that families with lots of children are viewed with a more critical eye than those with the standard two. **If a child acts up, it is of course because they come from such a large family and obviously don’t get enough attention. If their clothing is threadbare, it is because the parents must be financially strapped. If the baby has a dirty face, it is apparent that no one cares enough to clean it. Whereas a smaller family might be given the benefit of the doubt (all children throw tantrums at times, like to wear one item of clothing until it consists of three strands, and smear food upon their faces), for the larger family it becomes an opportunity to criticize.** A mother pregnant with her second child is offered sympathy as she struggles with morning sickness and fatigue, but ask a mother pregnant with her fifth if she was offered any. This makes it difficult, even in a church setting, for those parents to share any difficulties they are having. I personally struggle with painful varicose veins that are aggravated during pregnancy. However, asking for prayer has sometimes been met with the attitude that such are my “just desserts” and so why would God heal me? I suspect the same attitude crops up when rebellious children, or money woes, are the issue.

Parents of large families are not out to prove anything. We’re not vying for your admiration, we aren’t trying to win any awards, we don’t view childbearing as some sort of contest (someone asked my husband during our last pregnancy if we were trying to “beat the Duggars”), and we don’t think you’re less spiritual than we are if you have fewer than we do. We aren’t asking anyone for special treatment, but it doesn’t seem too much to ask for common courtesy. Resist the urge to count out loud as you see us go by. Don’t marvel that we do, in fact, know all of our offspring’s names (even—given a minute or two—their birthdates)! And for the love of all the little green men on Mars, don’t ask us if we know what causes that. We do. And we enjoy it, although not as often as is (oddly) assumed.

Almost as difficult to deal with, in a way, are the effusively positive attitudes. Yes, this seems like a really strange thing to say in light of the previous paragraph, but having to decline imminent canonization is not pleasant. People who squeal, gush, flatter and insist that I must be, I simply MUST BE the most patient/organized/disciplined/loving/spiritual being ever to walk the earth wear me out. I have stopped volunteering the information regarding the numbers of my offspring mostly due to these reactions. I don’t have time to field a barrage of OMG!’s from the checkout lady at Wal-Mart while my ice cream melts. Plus, I don’t think it wins me any friends in the line behind me.

Please don’t put me on a pedestal. Honestly, it’s really lonely up there. We are called to be iron sharpening iron to one another, and in order to do that we have to be able to get close to somebody. When the comments run along the lines of “You’re my hero!” and “I could NEVER do what you do! You’re a saint!” I have to wonder what, exactly, the commenters think I am doing that gives me that status. As far as I’m concerned, I’m just a woman trying to do her best with the family God has given her, and I deeply value the support of friends who don’t expect me to have all the answers. You might be surprised to learn that the average mom-to-a-gob lives her days in much the same way as you do: she gets up, sees what needs doin', and does it. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

On behalf of my children, I’d like to encourage people to try to focus on them as individuals. It‘s easy to let your eyes glaze over when confronted by their sheer mass, but often it seems to surprise people when they discover that my children are actually different from one another. At some point, it seems a given that any child after three or four is simply going to be a carbon copy of one of the preceding progeny. If you know children who belong to a simply humongous family, make their day by assuming they each have singular personalities. Even saying things like “Aw! You guys look all alike!” makes them feel like they are clones, or part of the Borg. Get to know them! You might be amazed at how diverse they really are.

In the end, what I’d like for you to know is probably not that much different than what anyone else would say: when in doubt, extend grace. Grace is the Melanie Wilkes to the world’s Scarlett O’Hara: it believes the best even when it doesn’t understand, and is humble enough not to insist on explanations. I don’t know of a single situation where it wouldn’t be welcome!

The next article is from the InsideCatholic.com website (although she specifically speaks to Catholics in this article, this speaks to a much greater audience than just the Catholic church). This article is written by Danielle Bean, who is a Mama to 8 children. She asks us "Pro-Lifers" if we truly are pro-life. You do realize that being pro-life encompasses SO much more than whether or not you agree or disagree with abortion, do you not? I'll just quote the article, and again, I will bold what especially spoke to me:

Last week, Simcha Fisher invited us to talk about natural family planning, and boy did we comply. More than 90 comments later, one thing is clear -- this is a topic we like to debate.

I've read many different discussions about NFP where Catholics will debate its use and its abuse, its effectiveness and its complications, its rewards and its challenges. There is a time, however, when all the debates and discussions must fall silent.

When a battle-weary mother stands alone in her bathroom looking with disbelief at two tiny pink lines on a pregnancy test, it's too late for family-planning discussions of clinical effectiveness. We've got a baby to take care of. And his mother.

This is where all our pro-life and pro-family talk needs to be put into action. This is where we need to rush to the aid and support of a family in need. Are we a pro-life Church? This is where we will find out.

"I just found out that I am pregnant with my third baby in three years," one frazzled young mother wrote to me recently, "and I dread the way my friends, my family, and even the people at my parish will respond."

Shame on us.

"I am pregnant again and I really am excited," another mother wrote to me, "I want this baby, but I am not sure I want to tell people because it seems like so many people, even faithful Catholics, just don't get why you would be excited to have your fourth baby in five years."

Shame on us.

"Soon after I announced that we were (unexpectedly) pregnant with our eighth child," an older mom once wrote me, "I came out of Mass one day and found an NFP flyer tucked under the windshield wiper of my van. I even wondered if it was our pastor who put it there."

Shame on us.

Whether we love NFP or hate it, whether we choose to use it in our marriages or not, whether we have one child or 16 children, we Catholics have no business receiving new life with anything but charity and joy. We have no business labeling our fellow Catholics, in their time of need and vulnerability, as crazy or irresponsible.

It takes courage for many Catholic couples to continue to refuse contraception, to remain open to life in their marriages, even when their circumstances are already difficult and they are hoping to avoid another pregnancy. The "99 percent effective" number people like to throw around about NFP becomes a much smaller one when translated into "user effectiveness."

The fact is, sometimes even faithful Catholics who are doing their very best to avoid pregnancy while remaining faithful to Church teaching on openness to life will find themselves pregnant.

The jokes, the judgment, and the whispered conversations about "craziness" and "irresponsibility" have no place in our parishes and in our Catholic communities.

Over the years, I've done my fair share of staring in disbelief at tiny pink lines in the bathroom. Once, a few years ago, when I told a friend of a new and unplanned pregnancy and expressed to her my ambivalent feelings, her response to me was a simple, joyful exclamation:

"God must love you so much!"

Her words startled me. Not only because most people's reactions to my latest news had been somewhat less than joyful, but also because of how true I knew those words were, deep down inside, in spite of my doubts and fears.

When God gives us babies, planned or unplanned, He gives us innumerable physical, emotional, and spiritual challenges. But He also gives us a glimpse of Himself. It's God's face we see in a helpless baby's smile. It's God's voice we hear in their needy cries, and it's God's enormous love we feel wrapped around us when we nurture them within us, when we hold their infant bodies, when we accept them as He sends them, whether it was part of "our plan" or not.

Because she said "yes" to God, Mary once found herself poor, alone, misunderstood, and pregnant. But she wasn't irresponsible -- only faithful. Even though it was hard.

Will we abandon pregnant mothers in their time of need? Will we shame them, shun them, and laugh at them behind their backs?

Or will we remind them how much God loves them, remind ourselves of the abundant, undeserved blessings He has given every one of us, and simply be grateful?

Wow! What wonderful and encouraging words by both women, I hope you agree!

I must admit I struggle with and have been judgmental in the past and asked those oh-so-private questions.

My sister-in-law has 6 children. Honestly, almost every.single.time. I see her, I ask "are you going to have any more?" or "is this it?" It wasn't until this pregnancy (and even a little when I was pregnant with my daughter) that I realized how inappropriate that question is! Seriously, this is a matter between God, a husband and a wife, and that is it. It doesn't concern your neighbors, your school district, grandparents, friends, no one!

Too often we think that if a couple just has one child, that it is their choice; and if a couple has 10, they are irresponsible. I wish I learned LONG ago, that many times, most times, in both cases we are wrong! Not that it is ours to even think about, but perhaps, just maybe, that couple who has one child is not able to have any more. Asking them if they are going to have any more children may just be pushing that knife deeper into their hearts. Or asking a couple who has many children if "this is going to be it" may be asking them to talk about something that is very private to them.

I remember after I became pregnant with my daughter, I used to say "she was a surprise." It breaks my heart to think of how many times I've said that. You see, my son was 9 months old when I became pregnant with her. I remember being embarrassed when I called my doctor and even family. Honestly, my husband and I were overflowing with joy! Yet we felt to be accepted by others, even in our church and family, we had to say this.

To know her, is to know she was not "unplanned." Look at her! Yes, I had fear - I had experienced postpartum depression with my son, and was just starting to feel better. In my selfishness, I didn't want to take the chance of going through that journey again. But, of course, the Lord used the pregnancy with my daughter to bring about much healing from that depression. I would never have guessed that the Lord would use another baby to bring healing, but as always, the Lord's ways are always right and perfect, and far better than mine (thank you Jesus!).

Speaking of selfishness, if I had stopped having children once I felt I was starting to take on more than I could handle, then I would have turned my first son in! (I say this completely sarcastically). I felt more overwhelmed and out-of-control with him, than I do with three and one on the way now. That is not because I have become a super-mom by any stretch of the imagination (ANY stretch!). In fact, it is quite the opposite. It is by dying to myself throughout the day, every day; it is by leaning on God through prayer and reading His Word; and it is through absolute surrender that this or any other matter in life can be handled.

Once I stopped looking for the breaks and for some "me" time; once I slowed down and stayed home most of the time; once I stopped looking to sleep in all the time (I have to say here that my dear, dear husband lets me sleep in on Saturdays, and lately Sundays too - thank you honey!); once I stopped getting aggravated when my kids tried to bother me when I was trying to do something (notice the I's and me's here?) - THAT is when I started thinking "hey, wait a minute, as I lean on God, I CAN do all things THROUGH HIM WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH." Imagine that! Again, thank you Jesus! I don't get this right every day, I wish I did. Thankfully through God, any day can be redeemed, even if I've messed up for the majority of that day.

Getting back to the topic at hand, when I became pregnant with this baby, our fourth, people asked and continue to ask, "were you trying" with their eyes rolling back in their heads and looking at me like I'm a freak. Think with me folks what "trying" means. That really is a matter I would bet most women don't feel comfortable talking about (at least I don't and I hope other women don't!). It is a private matter!

A mother of many children warned me that once you are pregnant with your 4th, it no longer is a joyous thing. People assume it was a mistake, and that you will do everything to not have any more. Sad to say, she is right. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect anyone to gush over me whatsoever, I didn't expect that with any of my children; but as the writer of the first article said, at least give the common courtesy of being silent. You know that saying that your mom taught you "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

When I was in hard labor with my daughter, and being wheeled up to the maternity ward, the gentlemen pushing the wheelchair asked my husband when he would be getting his vasectomy. Throughout the course of her birth, the anesthesiologist and my doctor asked the same thing. How sad. How really, truly sad. People continue to ask us this.

In closing,
I think its time that we (on both sides of this issue) stop worrying and asking about others matters. Period.

Its not our business if someone wants as many children as God gives them; also, it is not ours to judge if someone has one or no children. You never know how God is dealing with their hearts, if that person is letting God deal with them at all. It is simply between a husband and wife and God and for us to get involved at all, is just not right. In fact, the Bible talks about being a busybody:

I Timothy 5:13 says

"And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house;

and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies,

speaking things which they ought not."

As with any matter of self, it takes a lot of work, and only with the power of Jesus Christ, can we change old habits of getting involved in others' matters. So its with that, I close, and pray, that I can lay this at the feet of Jesus, and just enjoy others and their children, thanking God, once again, for all of His beautiful blessings.

Aprons

This picture is a little old, but is a picture of one of the few aprons I have made. They are so simple to sew!

I don't think our kids know what an apron is.

The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath,

but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears,

and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears .

When Grandma rocked us to sleep, she would cover us with her apron,

we felt so snug wrapped in it.

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fuzzy chicks,

and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.

And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow,

bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables.

After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road,

it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch,

waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something

that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes.

Send this to those who would know, and love

the story about grandma's aprons.

REMEMBER:

Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.

Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw out.

They would go crazy now trying to figure out

how many germs was in that apron.

I don't think I ever caught anything from an Apron.

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The above was an e-mail I received from my aunt. Boy I sure love it and I love my aprons too!

I don't wear one every day, but I wear one often when I cook.

Its also great for when I clean -

I used to do any deep cleaning before I took a shower for the day, in my grubby clothes.

But one too many times someone stopped by, and I was quite embarrassed by my appearance.

How much nicer it is to be dressed for the day, and just take my grubby apron off if needed.

This has inspired me to make wearing my apron more of a daily habit, yes it has.

I find it so romantic and feminine too!

Here are some pictures of my aprons:

I hang our (I have some for the kids too) aprons on my decorated baker's rack.

This is an apron I made for my daughter from fabric I received from free-cycle.
It was "sew" easy ;p (tongue in cheek)

This was my first apron, gifted to me from my parents one Christmas.

A free Home Depot apron that my oldest son received on one of their Saturday workshops.

A cute marker apron I bought for my sons at a craft fair - boys can wear aprons too :)

This is one of two aprons I saved from my Grandmother's things after she went to be with the Lord. My lack of photography skills show as I try to take a full picture of it. I just cannot show its beauty. The embroidery is the best part of the apron anyway, and at least this gives you some idea.
The other apron I saved is more of a "French maid" type. It only covers your lower waist. It is cream and lacy - this pictured apron and the lacy one are for decoration, that is for sure - too pretty and old to use I think!

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Before I head off to go about my day, I wanted to share one of the most beautiful quotes that I've heard in a long time! As you probably know, Paul Newman died this weekend. He was married to his wife for about 50 years! Over the years, when asked what kept his marriage going, he said:

"I have steak at home, why would I go out for hamburgers!"

I LOVE that, and that is such a challenge for me! Today and this week, I'm turning my focus to my husband and our marriage. Am I steak for my man, or do I often present myself as chopped meat. Hmmmmm. Something to ponder and challenge myself with.

One of the best marriage books I have read is Created to be His Helpmeet. A few weeks ago, I started reading it again, and being that I have two sick children, and today will be a lay-low kind of day for that reason, I plan on reading it when I have the opportunity. Great book if you haven't read it!

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Lastly, I keep meaning to take pregnancy photos, as I didn't with my daughter, and that makes me sad sometimes. So, here's one, blurry though it is, it will be something I can look back on! And since I've looked the same with every single one (boy or girl), I can just imagine what I looked like with my daughter :)

Have a wonderful God-glorifying day!

In Another's Words

Friday May 12, 2006
When having babies isn’t exactly a blessing
by rabbi shmuley boteach
A funny thing happened to me the other day when my wife and I had, thank God, another baby (a boy). Many of my friends didn’t seem all that happy for me.
Sure, they went through the motions of smiles and congratulations. But it was evident that many thought me insane. Why would a young man and his wife ruin their lives with eight children? Who could afford the day school bills? Didn’t we want to live a little and not just be burdened with kids?
It got downright surreal when a European film company pressed me — while my wife was in labor — to finish shooting a segment that had an urgent deadline. I told them they were insane. And the next day I was mildly criticized by a Jewish organization for having to cancel a lecture because the timing clashed with the baby’s brit.
I don’t mind that the world doesn’t really love babies, just that it pretends to. It’s time we got honest about our priorities.
Most people get a new car every two or three years, but one or two babies through the life of their marriage is plenty. You can get drunk on an airplane, laugh hysterically with your mates, and still not really anger people. But if you dare bring a crying baby on board you will be given malicious looks as if the little thing was a package that ticks.
The contempt shown to parents of large families is the last acceptable prejudice in our society. As such a parent I find myself apologizing wherever I go, as if I had committed a crime. The frequent and loaded stares from scornful onlookers seem to imply that the famine in Africa was caused by my selfish insistence on overpopulating the earth.
Long ago my wife and I discovered that few hotels were prepared to accommodate so many children, even if we took three or four rooms, which is why we bought an RV for travel.
How strange to live in a world where loving children casts one in infamy. Having a large family implies a backwardness and primitivism deemed unbecoming in the West. Large families, it is thought, exist only among religious weirdos or Third World hovels. Rich countries, by contrast, prefer to increase their standard of living rather than the number of the living.
Looking at Western birthrates for 2001, the United States averaged only 14.2 births for every 1,000 Americans. One can go for days in a wealthy city like Manhattan without encountering a single pregnant woman.
Riches and children have become inversely proportional — the more of the former, the less of the latter. The high birthrates of poor African nations like Uganda (47.52 births per 1,000) or Niger (50.68 births per 1,000) are deemed to be prime causes and indicators of their penury. Contraception has become a synonym for civilization.
A Christian mother of six once wrote to me: “I find it troubling to worry about getting pregnant again because I don’t want to face the criticism of friends and family. Why do people not see children as a blessing?”
It’s a fair question, which deserves a fair response.
Why is it that even many synagogues today are not children-friendly? Why are people impressed that Jay Leno owns 20 motorcycles, but disgusted that some religious families choose to have 10 children?
Let’s not finesse the response. We all know why. A world that has lost its innocence has trouble appreciating beings that are innocent. A world that has become selfish has soured to the idea of leading a life of selflessness. A world that has become grossly materialistic is turned off from the idea of more dependents who consume resources.
I work hard to support my family, but I give up no pleasures in doing so, because my children are my foremost pleasure.
By just looking at my children I become more innocent. By loving them I become more noble. By spending my money on them rather than on myself I find transcendence. And by being a father, my spirit soars.
I am often asked by women how to tell whether the men they are dating are marriage material. I say, “See if he enjoys children. A man who loves children is playful. He will spend his life joking with his wife because he loves to see her laugh, and will flirt with her because he loves to see her smile.”
Once husbands and wives worked hard to ensure they could afford the blessings of a large family. Today the higher your earning bracket, the fewer children you have. Many turn money from a blessing to a curse.
Before he died, the Lubavitcher rebbe launched a campaign asking parents to have one more child than they had originally planned. It is a campaign that a dwindling Jewish community should revive as it continues to disappear.
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach is the host of TLC’s family dynamics TV show, “Shalom in the Home,” and author of the upcoming “Ten Conversations You Need to Have With Your Children. “ Information: www.shmuley.com.